When it comes to interacting with other human beings, I’ve never particularly excelled at it. While I am capable of it, and for most of the time can feign it well enough to get me by, it is a talent that does not fall within my inherent skill-set. That being said, you may easily discern that online social networks are not high up on my list of important things relevant to my life.
My first experiences with this global phenomenon started mid-way through my college years. My friends and peers all began to talk about this web-based service where one can create a profile, add images and pictures, and most importantly add other members as friends. You may know this service today as Facebook. Some interesting facts about the Facebook reveal it was a Harvard exclusive in its infancy, before it spread out and infected all college campuses across the country. Nice to know the brightest minds in the nation spend their time making things like Facebook. Forget cures for cancer or global crisis aversion; I need my whole school to know I love the new Strokes album.
At any rate, after much apprehension and resistance on my part and persistence on the part of my friends, I signed up. Note: actual sign-up may have been completed with a sustained grimace. In the beginning, things were fine. I slowly began to “connect” with people I actually knew in real life through the means of this social web-service. Filled out my profile, not trying to give away all of my life’s secrets and value. Added some candid photographs. Posted on some walls. The illusion was complete.
Since that time, as with all things that grow too quickly, it began to distort and contort in repulsive, unexpected ways. On September 11th, 2006, Facebook opened its doors to all who wished to join. Once being a social symbol for those seeking a higher education, now available to the 13-year old girl who needs to share with everyone her admiration for American Idol, or the aging parent looking to reconnect with their forgotten and dissolved youth.
This was only the first of crimes to come. The most flagrant of these recent offenses was the addition of Applications and the social stock (also spelled ’stalk’) ticker. Now, every time I log in, I can see a fairly detailed listing of all activities my friends have been participating in over the last day accurate up to the minute. Debra just went from “It’s Complicated” with Steve to “Single”. Boy howdy, I’m there to “console” her. All I have to do is load up the “Catch Debra Off The Rebound” application and I’m home free. (Seriously, look it up, it’s there).
To show a more sympathetic view, I do understand the allure of these fads. The popularity of the Internet and especially connecting with others through its warm bosom has been increasing at an alarming rate. These sites function as prisms to point and focus the magnitude of interest. Much like how reality television is still going strong after how ever many years of poisoning our collective consciousness with their creative-less programming and plots. It’s easy, and ultimately distracts us from the otherwise tedious doldrums that we call our lives.
Clearly even I have fallen victim to their siren song. I may not be proud of it, but I have come to terms with it, much like a terminal patient. I can only surmise the future will be grim. Its dark shroud covering all that was once green and alive. It has already begun. The next advancement, the next trend lurking just below the waters is now friend suggestions. It apparently isn’t enough that I have 100+ friends online – the term ‘friend’ meaning any person asking to add me to their list and me answering yes even if said interaction is the first. Now, out of those 100 people, they most likely have hundreds of friends, and obviously I should be friends with all of them too since we have a common point of compatibility. It’s like some kind of perverted transitive relationship. If I’m friends with Barry, and Barry is friends with Chuck, then I guess I must be friends with Chuck.
The next step will likely include features such as persistent friend news stock tickers; want to keep up-to-date on all your friend’s activities? Well, desire no more as you will see nothing else as hundreds of updates are projected directly into your retinas. And integrated thought status changes; allowing for up to the nanosecond changes in your third-person status statements taken directly from your thoughts. “Adam Coleman is wondering if it’s socially acceptable to shampoo and condition his pubic hair.”